Harry Judd’s wife Izzy has claimed that one of their children suffers from what some experts describe as ‘pathological demand avoidance’ – a controversial behaviour pattern said to make even simple requests, such as tidying their room or saying please and thank you, trigger anxiety.
The violinist, 41, who married McFly drummer Harry, 39, in 2012, said she has had to rethink her entire approach to parenting to avoid ‘overwhelming’ her children with ‘rigid routines’.
‘Pathological demand avoidance is linked with autism,’ Izzy explained on the latest episode of Dr Alex George‘s Stompcast podcast.
‘It’s basically about demands that are put on a child who underneath the demand has a lot of anxiety.’
She said everyday instructions – like getting dressed or brushing teeth – can trigger upset, so she had ‘given up’ making direct commands or even asking too many questions.
Izzy acknowledged: ‘To the outsider looking in, they might see that as a sort of lazy parenting or a lack of discipline or whatever it is they want to say.’
Social media users praised her honesty about the challenges faced by parents of neurodivergent children – though some admitted they were unfamiliar with the condition and questioned whether it was simply an invented term.
So what exactly is pathological demand avoidance – and why do some experts question whether it’s a real condition?
Harry Judd’s wife Izzy has revealed one of their children has been diagnosed with pathological demand avoidance as she detailed the parental challenges on The Stompcast
Izzy shares daughter Lola, eight and sons Kit, seven, and Lockie, three, with the McFly drummer (pictured in 2022)
Sometimes referred to as a ‘pervasive drive for autonomy,’ it isn’t a separate medical diagnosis but a set of behaviours sometimes seen in people with autism.
It is, according to medical literature, marked by ‘extreme resistance to everyday demands’ and ‘a strong need for control’, often because of underlying anxiety.
Experts say it’s best managed with ‘a low-pressure, flexible approach’ that gives the child more autonomy – using indirect language, humour and collaboration rather than strict rules or commands.
The term was first coined by British psychologist Dr Elisabeth Newson in the 1980s to describe children who didn’t fit the typical picture of autism but showed a persistent avoidance of everyday demands.
However, the National Autistic Society notes that it is not clinically recognised in the main diagnostic manuals and there is currently no standardised way to assess it.
Because of this, there is no reliable data on how common it may be. Despite this, in recent years, the concept has gained wider attention beyond the autism community.
Research shows that some adults – both autistic and non-autistic – now self-identify with pathological demand avoidance traits, often describing lifelong difficulties with everyday demands, authority or control.
Research in adults without an autism diagnosis suggests that people who see themselves as having pathological demand avoidance often share common traits such as high anxiety and difficulty coping with uncertainty.
Speaking with host Dr Alex George, she said she has had to adapt her entire approach to parenting to ensure she doesn’t overwhelm her children with rigid routines and expectations
Izzy added that external expectations often clash with the needs of neurodivergent children – meaning they are often misunderstood (pictured in December 2023)
Some people say the label helps them make sense of things, but others believe it may simply describe behaviour linked to anxiety, ADHD or past stress or trauma, rather than a separate condition.
On TikTok, there are also hundreds of video clips discussing pathological demand avoidance, some of which have thousands or even millions of views.
In many, people who identify with the label admit they first heard about it on the video sharing app, and said it helped the ‘make sense’ of ‘things that were always there but didn’t understand’.
Others direct viewers to online tests that can, they say, can ‘help you figure out if you have pathological demand avoidance’.
Dr Marios Adamou, a consultant psychiatrist, said that while the label may help schools make adjustments for children, ‘it’s not a medically diagnosed condition.’
He explained that once a behaviour is given a name, people can begin to adapt their actions to fit it – a phenomenon known as labelling theory. This is when someone starts acting in line with the label they’ve been given.
While Dr Adamou said that ‘labelling can offer an explanation,’ which may help some people, he warned that it doesn’t identify the true cause.
He added: ‘If I’m chewing food loudly it is considered rude. I could say I have got an extreme chewing syndrome. Then I could form a group for people with extreme chewing syndrome. That’s why we chew the food loudly. That’s what it is.’
Izzy also touched on how school environments can be particularly tough for children with PDA, calling for greater understanding in education (pictured in 2022)
When asked whether parents should seek a diagnosis of PDA for their child, Dr Adamou was clear: ‘I cannot recommend getting a label that is not a medical diagnosis.’
He also warned that relying on the term could prevent people from receiving appropriate support for the real underlying issue. ‘There are other diagnoses that could display very similar behaviours that are not being considered,’ he said.
Izzy Judd, who shares daughter Lola, eight, and sons Kit, seven, and Lockie, three, with McFly drummer Harry, revealed in April that one of their children is neurodivergent.
The former Britain’s Got Talent finalist said she and Harry have spent several years ‘learning how to parent a neurodivergent child,’ describing the process as ‘overwhelming’ and ‘all-consuming.’
‘I kind of let go of being late a long time ago,’ she admitted.
‘The more pressure you feel – ‘you’ve got to go!’ – the more it’s going to slow everything down. Now I just shove them in the car, and if they’re cold, they’ll put on their coat. Once they feel the autonomy that they’re in control, amazing things happen.’
She said societal expectations often clash with the needs of neurodivergent children. ‘There are quite rigid societal expectations of how children are supposed to behave,’ she said.
‘For a neurodivergent child, they’re physically unable to sit. It’s not because they don’t want to – they can’t.’
Izzy added that the journey has forced her to ‘let go of comparisons’ and others’ opinions on her parenting.
‘Birthday parties are hugely challenging because there’s this expectation,’ she explained.
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‘If your child isn’t behaving ‘normally’, you spend the entire time conflicted about how to handle it. So a long time ago, I thought: why am I going to these parties? No one’s enjoying it.
‘So we don’t do birthday parties. Also, if we wrap a birthday present, we will say what’s in it. Not knowing what’s inside a present is a big thing – a big demand to open it and then be grateful and then say thank you.’
Izzy also revealed how everyday traditions like Christmas can be fraught with anxiety for neurodivergent families.
‘Christmas starts in November,’ she said. ‘The songs, the changes in routine, the expectations… and then they want beige food, so you put a pizza in the oven, and people say, ‘That’s rude.’
‘Although you know what’s right for your child, there’s always friction.’
Harry and Izzy met when she was part of the string quartet performing on McFly’s 2005 tour and married seven years later in a ceremony covered exclusively by Hello! magazine.
They’ve since become one of the most enduring couples to emerge from the pop scene, regularly sharing family moments and raising awareness around mental health and fertility.
Harry, who won Strictly Come Dancing in 2011, has also been open about his own experiences with anxiety, admitting in the past that therapy and meditation have helped him manage his mental health.
Izzy added: ‘Most of the time when I’m unkind to myself is when I’ve tried to please someone else rather than my child. If a child is in pain, and it’s visual, it’s easier to have empathy.
‘But when behaviour is really challenging, it’s hard to find that empathy. You’ve got to try and look underneath and ask, ‘What have I missed?”
