Geordie Shore’s Holly Hagan, 33, reveals how she still finds moments of happiness and hope after her teen sister’s death. Darci died in October aged 19 following an accidental drug overdose after taking crystal MDMA.
I WAS 13 when my sister Darci was born, and I fell in love with her immediately.
I’d take her to soft play and push her in her buggy, pretending she was mine. Then, when she entered her teens, I became like a second mum to her – we’d talk about boys and break-ups.
As adults, we were so close that, last October, Darci was one of the first people I told I was five weeks pregnant with my second child, a girl. She was buzzing for me, saying: “You’re such an amazing mum – you’re going to be great.”
However, my world stopped spinning when I woke up one day to a whole load of missed calls and discovered Darci had collapsed on a night out and been rushed to hospital. At just 19, she’d taken an accidental drug overdose and suffered two cardiac arrests.
Knowing I needed to be strong for my mum and stepdad, I went into action mode.
When we arrived and they initially couldn’t bring themselves to go into her room in the ICU, I insisted on going in ahead of them.
As her big sister, it was my duty. Two days later, Darci died of organ failure with her family all around her.
The admin of death is extreme. There were calls with the coroner and the police, as well as funeral arrangements to be made.
World stopped spinning
In some ways, that kept me occupied – and kept me going. I felt like I was the one who needed to keep it together, so that everyone else could fall apart. I continued to work, so my mum and stepdad didn’t have to, but in reality I was posting pre-recorded posts on social media.
I got a few nasty comments, saying: “Your sister just died and you’re posting this. It doesn’t feel right.” But when I explained my rationale, they understood.
I’m due to give birth next month, and this pregnancy, as well as my two-year-old son Alpha-Jax, gave me a push to be strong. It’s helped my parents in their grief, too – they’ve said they wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for their grandkids keeping them going.
My husband Jacob has been such a support, too – I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I haven’t had grief counselling, but a couple of months after Darci died, I spoke to a medium. I’ve always been a bit of a believer, but now I’m convinced.
My sister came straight through to the medium, who said Darci spends a lot of time at my house, so now I make sure I speak to her so she knows that I know she’s still around.
I remember Darci every single day. I always wear a locket with her picture in it. And every time I get into my car, I talk to her, telling her about my day.
When I think of her, I focus on what she achieved in life, like becoming an organ donor. She donated her heart to help a woman in her 50s, who is now doing well.
It’s bittersweet knowing that, while Darci’s life couldn’t be saved that night, thankfully somebody else’s was.
One of the biggest misconceptions about grief is that it is all sadness.
I remember Darci every single day. I always wear a locket with her picture in it
When negative things happen, there are always small hints of positivity, too.
For us, that happened in the ICU waiting room – where family members, some I’d not seen in over 10 years, made the journey to Manchester to say goodbye to Darci. Everyone came together and it made me realise that family is so important.
I’ve been trying to speak to Alpha-Jax about Auntie Darci in an age-appropriate way so he remembers her.
I’ve explained she’s in heaven with Mufasa – as he’d been watching The Lion King.
When he’s old enough, I hope we can use her story to educate him about drugs. Darci was such a good auntie to him. She would have spoiled the new baby rotten, too.
When someone so important to you dies, it gives you a new perspective on life. It shows you what truly matters. It also helped me realise that, actually, I’m a really strong, capable person who can deal with a lot.
Even now, I still find moments of happiness and hope. Just the other day, there were sunny, blue skies and I decided to go for a walk, feeling really appreciative of the sunshine. It’s the little things.
- Listen to Holly Hagan-Blyth and Charlie Hedges on CBeebies Parenting Helpline wherever you get your podcasts.
